You’re Not 16 Anymore - Growing into Your Womanly Body and Ending the Cycle of Self-Hate

There was a time in my life when I thought the best version of myself was me at 16, and I spent years punishing myself for not looking like her anymore. 

I’m sure we can all relate to looking at old high school photos, wishing we still looked like our teenage selves. Somehow, looking back at our past selves can be just as damaging as comparing ourselves to others. My journey with body image and self-love has not been easy, and if I’m being fully honest, it’s still something I struggle with daily. I’ve worked hard to get to where I’m at now, and I want to share how I shifted my mindset and learned to love my body as it continues to grow and change.  

I was 14 the first time I remember feeling insecure about my body, which, for many, starts even earlier. I still remember looking in the mirror right before my freshman homecoming dance and, out of nowhere, thinking: “Your thighs look huge.” I didn’t know it yet, but this insecurity I developed that night was just the start of the hatred I grew to have for my body.

The very next day, I created this entire plan to start working out and eat a little bit healthier. I truly was trying to make little changes, so I would feel better about my body. Fast forward to a month later, my plan had completely spiraled. I was exercising for at least two hours a day, often until I felt close to passing out. I challenged myself to go as long as I possibly could without eating, and when I did finally eat, I was lucky if I got more than two pieces of turkey and a few cucumbers. I could write an entire book about my journey with an eating disorder and exercise addiction, but that’s for another time. Let’s just say from ages 14 to 15, my thoughts were consumed by me hating the way that I looked and doing everything I possibly could to make my body smaller.

Fast forward to Allana at 16, I had somewhat “recovered” from my disordered eating and had developed a true love and passion for fitness. I had finally gone through puberty, but even then, my body still looked very young and normal for a teenage girl. I didn’t know it at the time, but in just a few years, pictures of me at 16 were going to haunt 18-year-old Allana as she obsessively compared her adult body to when she was 16. 

Everyone talks about the “Freshman 15”, but no one really talks about how hard it is to watch as your body grows into its curves and features that take shape when you start to become a woman. I didn’t gain a ton of weight when I got to college–I actually ended up losing some, but my body still changed. My hips widened, my legs and butt had more shape, and instead of seeing this as a sign of me growing into my womanly body, I saw it as a loss. A loss of control. A loss of the body I once had. 

There was a time when I would stay up late at night, staring at old pictures and videos of myself and feeling genuinely sad that I didn’t look like that anymore. I didn’t understand yet that I wasn’t just grieving my body; I was grieving my old “disciplined” self that I’d idealized through a very distorted lens. 

I truly have come such a long way since then. 

I love my body now. I love how strong I feel and how healthy I look. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I can’t wear anything other than a hoodie and sweats because I don’t feel good in my own skin. I would be lying if I said I don’t ever have moments where I catch myself wanting to restrict or self-criticize. However, I finally came to the realization and understanding that I’ve already spent too much time hating my body and doing everything I possibly can to change how I look.

I joke that these are going to be the “peak years” of my life, but maybe part of me actually means it. I finally feel confident in who I am, both physically and mentally, so why would I let my insecurities rob me of enjoying this time in my life? I am only going to be 21 once, and I want to be able to look back at these years, proud that I didn’t let my negative self-image rule my life, and instead, I focused on making memories with my friends, starting my career, and creating my dream life. 

You’re not 16 anymore–and thank God. When I think about how unsure and insecure I was at 16, I feel nothing but gratitude for how far I’ve come. I love how I take care of myself. I love how I make others feel. I love the life that I’m creating for myself. No jean size or number on the scale could ever measure up to that kind of beauty. 

If you feel lost and stuck in comparison to your younger self, I want you to know: Your growth is not something to grieve. It’s something to honor. 

You’re not 16 anymore–and that’s a beautiful thing.