21 things I learned about being 21
Twenty-one is always categorized as a milestone in America. Not only is it seen as the legal drinking age, the age of entering adulthood, but it actually feels that way. I remember turning 18 and thinking I would instantly wake up knowing how to be a grown-up. But in reality, nothing really shifted. I had the same friends and the same routine, and I moved away for college feeling like a fish out of water.
At 21, I graduated from college, and even though I am still incredibly lost at age 22, I learned so much more about myself at 21. My entire perspective on the world shifted, from a small pond to an entire ocean.
I compiled a list of the 21 most important takeaways I learned at 21 that helped me to feel confident going into adulthood. From college professors, friends, family, and my own brain, here are the 21 things I learned at 21:
#1: Being unapologetically yourself will help you meet people you actually like
I spent the majority of my youth trying desperately to fit in. I would water down my opinions, keep my mouth shut, and even pretend to dislike some of my favorite things. In college, I realized that speaking your mind, being yourself, and projecting out into the world what you want to receive will help you find the best people. Joining a club that might be seen as “nerdy” but actually interests you is how you find like-minded individuals. And don’t be scared to try these new things, because, like my mother taught me, if you’re all there together, you already have at least one thing in common.
#2 You don’t need to wear a size small
Everyone always talks about puberty being the most uncomfortable part of your life. But many women in their early 20s and late teens experience a second puberty. In high school, I would buy clothing off the racks with tags “xs” and “s” and never try them on; If they didn’t fit, I would cry and think I was fat. It takes a long time to break out of this toxic mindset (at least for me it did). At age 21, I realized I way rather be comfortable than be squeezing into my clothing. I started ordering hoodies oversized and picking up items of all sizes in the thrift store. We have to accept the fact that we will grow and change. I don’t want to look like a 16-year-old girl, so why would I still be shopping like one?
#3 You are not fat or ugly just because the people on Love Island are hotter than you
Like Olivia Rodrigo said, “Their beauty is not my lack.” Jealousy is extremely common in high school, and it doesn’t just go away overnight. I had to actively shift my mindset to be happy for my friends' success, praising other girls’ beauty, and never--I mean never--feel less than just because someone else got the guy. It’s easy to watch TV of women my age with perfect plastic surgery and no-makeup-makeup looks, and feel bad about myself. It’s much harder to appreciate others and still appreciate yourself without comparing. But once you do, you will be so much happier.
#4 It’s better to have a few close friends than a lot of distant ones
When I started college, I felt myself drifting from a lot of my old friends. I felt lame at my 19th birthday, not having enough names on my invite list. But trying to balance and manage 20+ BFFs is overwhelming and honestly impossible. As adults, we have to become okay with the fact that some people are just acquaintances. Your coworkers can just be people you talk to at work. Your classmates can stay in the library. And old friends can just be caught up with once in a while. Friendships that work are the ones that just work. With everything you've got going on, you shouldn’t be forcing yourself to put effort into people; you should just want to. And if that means you only end up texting the same 2 people every week, then at least you have 2 amazing best friends.
#5 Friends who only want to go out aren’t your real friends
Turning 21 opens a new door: the door to the club. Personally, I wanted to go out every weekend. I was in college for crying out loud! But for a lot of us, this feeling starts to fade. You start to notice which friends only reach out on Friday nights to pregame, and which ones are actually there for you. If someone can’t be your friend without alcohol involved, that might not be someone worth your energy. Not saying you can’t meet them out for drinks, but make sure you aren’t putting too much energy into those, putting all of theirs into a fun night.
#6 It’s okay to cry in front of your friends
A good friend will never judge you for crying. A good friend will comfort you, even if they don’t know how, even if they don’t know why you're crying, even if they don’t agree with your emotions.
#7 The right people will stay in touch no matter how far away you go
If you know the right thing for you is to move away, across the country, where you know no one, you cannot let your relationships stop you. Good friends and good partners want the best for you. You can make long-distance work, whether that's romantic or platonic, because the right people will keep in touch with you. That being said, if you do move away and notice some people stopped reaching out or answering your texts, it’s gonna hurt, but you’ll have to let them go. People who want to stay in touch will stay in touch.
#8 You don’t have to explain all of yourself to everyone
This was an incredibly hard lesson to learn. I still struggle with over-explaining. It took a lot of reflection time to realize I don’t know everything about everyone in my life. I don’t know everything about anyone in my life, so no one needs to know everything about me. It’s okay if random strangers get the wrong idea about you from a first impression. It’s okay if people you hardly know make wrong assumptions about you. As long as you know who you are—and the people who matter do too, that’s what counts.
#9 People have their own reasoning for things unbeknownst to you
You don’t know people’s stories. Villainizing someone in your head for doing something you don’t understand or would never do will not help. It will just make you bitter. Sometimes, you don’t get closure. You just have to accept that you don’t understand their actions, but they had their reasons. You can live your life, and they can live theirs.
#10 Sometimes, if you want to do things, you have to go do them alone
I used to sit out events if I couldn’t find anyone to go with me. Sometimes you do need a buddy, like if you’re walking home at night or swimming in the ocean, but if there is something you really want to do, you should go do it. You can meet people there, or you can be comfortable with yourself. Either way, you can’t have someone by your side 24/7. Sometimes, you’re all you’ve got, and that’s enough. You just got to get out there.
#11 You can attend an event with alcohol without drinking
Social settings can be scary for me, especially around new people and in new places. And yes, liquid courage helps. But you shouldn’t let alcohol—or the lack of it—be the reason you skip something. Maybe you don’t feel like drinking, but all your friends are going out, you can still go and not drink and make your own fun. And if that’s not fun to you, find a group that doesn’t rely on shots to connect. Just because you're 21 doesn’t mean you have to drink.
#12 Drinking ≠ partying
On the other hand, you don’t have to view alcohol as a bad thing. A drink at dinner, a mimosa at brunch—it’s all about context. I used to think alcohol was only for getting drunk. That changed when I was in Europe, drinking way too much wine but learning a lot. Being an adult means drinking responsibly, knowing your limits, and deciding when it feels right for you. For me personally, I learned a lot more about my alcohol limits at age 21, and what was okay for my body.
#13 Being single is way better than dating a frat boy
No shade (well, maybe a little), but this is my experience, not yours. What I mean by this is that dating someone just to date them isn’t worth it. If you don’t like things about them, don’t try to “fix” them. Express your needs—and if they can’t meet them, be single! It’s way more fulfilling to spend your early adulthood on your own than wasting time with someone your friends hate.
Everyone needs alone time, everyone needs time their single, and if you are dating some loser you don’t see a future with, what’s the point?
#14 It’s okay to stop talking to people who don’t align with your values
In high school, you can’t really escape your friends. You have the same schedule, live in the same neighborhood, and sometimes even play the same sports. But in the real world, if you don’t want to see anyone anymore, for the most part, you don’t have to. It took me some getting used to, but throughout college, I became more and more comfortable losing some relationships that weren’t doing me any good. That can be freeing. It’s hard to cut people off, but letting go of relationships that no longer serve you is powerful. You deserve to feel safe and supported.
#15 No one knows what they’re doing; some are just better at pretending
I always thought I would become an adult and magically uncover all of the truths about the world, as if someone gives you a guidebook for your birthday. But the reality is: No one knows what to do. There is no “right way” to live. We are all just big dumb kids running around confused, taking into account hundreds of shreds of advice and trying to piece a puzzle together. Some people are more driven and might seem like they have it all figured out. But trust me, no one has it figured out at 21.
#16 You actually will forget about that bad grade you got
Remember in college when you failed that test and thought the world was ending? No? Exactly.
#17 Not having a job is part of life, and can even be a good thing
It’s common to be a young person without a job. Especially as a student. Iff you’re lucky enough to take a gap or have a few months off, embrace it. I was devastated after college when no one would hire me. I was so upset when I graduated from college and no one would hire me. I applied for hundreds of jobs and just ended up unemployed and back at my mom's house for the summer. Instead of feeling unproductive and wasteful, I realized how much of a blessing it was not to have to be working a 9-5. We don’t need to be in such a hurry to start adulthood. Let life breathe a little.
#18 This is the time to try new things and be bad at them
I was always afraid of branching out of my comfort zone as a child. I was adventurous, but if I knew I wouldn’t succeed at something, I often didn’t try. As a young adult, I saw an opportunity to redo my childhood. I started asking my friends about their hobbies and joining in. I was good at yoga and terrible at rock climbing, but I had fun either way! Especially as a student, there are so many free/cheap options to try new things (I was even on a flag football team for a number of weeks). This year, I learned to try things now, make friends along the way, and who knows, maybe you’ll find your new favorite thing or meet the love of your life.
#19 Hating on others’ gain won’t fix your losses
Throughout high school, I was filled with insecurity and jealousy, like most teenage girls. I carried some of this into adulthood: gossiping, staring too long in the mirror, etc. But my life got so much better when I chose to be happy for others. Your friends’ success doesn’t take away from your own. Celebrate them. Be excited for them. Hating on others only makes your life grim and full of anger. Move on and move through; it will be your turn soon.
#20 Good people will support you for following your dreams/heart
Friends who don’t support your achievements are not good friends. If the best thing for you is to drop out of college and join the circus, your support system should be right there with you If dropping out to join the circus is what makes you happy, your real friends will cheer you on. Support doesn’t mean enabling bad decisions, but it does mean believing in each other. Your heart should matter to the people in your corner.
And finally, #21 You are not running out of time—your life is just beginning
I wrote this article to remind myself of how beautiful life has been. It’s easy to view graduation as the end of a chapter and the beginning of “real-adulthood”, but there is so much time left. We have so much time left in our twenties. These are the best years of our lives, the formative years of our adulthood. Things I didn’t do in college, I can do in graduate school. Places I haven’t seen, I can still visit. People I haven’t met, I can still meet. You’re not late. You’re right on time. These are our formative years, and if you haven’t started living yet, I hope this inspires you to start.
