Heteronormative and Comphet: My understandings of these “new” terms
Happy Pride Month!
The internet has grown into a confusing space for everyone. New terms are being coined what feels like everyday, there’s always a new trend to hop on, a new reference to understand, and a new dictionary to study to keep up in today’s ever-changing online communities. A term that grew in popularity a few years ago that takes up space in my everyday life is “comphet”. No, not coquette with the cute little bows, compulsory heterosexuality. Comphet, short for compulsory heterosexuality, describes the pressure to assume you’re straight, whether or not it actually aligns with how you feel.
I have been debating writing this post for a while, and what better time than Pride Month, to educate some of those not involved with this community, and share my own experience for those struggling. I heard about comphet through TikTok--which has an amazing way of sucking you down a rabbit hole without you realizing you're the only one down there. Hearing the definition of this term and the stories that followed sent me spiraling.
As a young woman in my 20s, I am constantly trying to figure myself out. From diagnosis to finding communities, I’m always trying to check a new box.
Comphet seemed to me like something I could relate to. It pertains to someone who feels they are performing as a heterosexual but is internally something else. But specifically, it pertains to those who hadn’t questioned their sexuality, but something feels off. Compulsory Heterosexuality grew because of the society we live in. We live in a heteronormative world, meaning, you are straight until proven otherwise. So some of us were born, watched princesses find their prince in Disney Movies, were told we were going to have all the boys chase us, became surrounded by girls who had crushes on boys and fist kisses and first boyfriends, and followed suit.
For me personally, a defining moment in understanding my sexuality was in middle school. I remember feeling uncomfortable around my out friends. I remember thinking, “If I don’t have a boyfriend, people are going to think I’m gay.” I was afraid of what people might think about me if I didn’t have a boyfriend. I internalized the idea that liking boys was a social requirement, not a genuine feeling. Which is a far-fetched idea… but not when you're 12 and all your friends are comparing crushes. I never really had a crush on a boy. Occasionally, I would befriend a boy, and everyone would comment that I must like him, so I agreed. It wasn’t that I secretly knew I didn’t like them; I just didn’t know what any of it meant yet. I was a kid.. I didn’t know what anything was. Maybe I do have a crush on this boy, and that’s why I want to hang out with him?
I have seen a lot of discourse from older generations criticizing younger generations for “ditching the labels”. I originally relied on labels for my research when I was 18. I learned about each different group and how they identified themselves, and I came out to the world as Pansexual. I often told straight people I was Bi because there would be less confusion and far fewer frying-pan jokes, but that label never felt right. I always felt at peace with being pansexual until I heard more about comphet. I began to question if I was attracted to men at all, or if I had been brought up in an environment that expected me to like them. Even though I had a loving, supportive, and inclusive family and friend group, I still felt expected to be straight just because everyone else was. After taking some Gen&Sex classes, I became an activist for queer media. This is my main reason for writing this post: we need more queer stories in mainstream media. I want to hear every diverse perspective, because I know there is someone out there feeling lost. Because I was her. And sometimes still am.
Although I was hung up on trying to fit in my whole life, at 22, I finally don’t care. Yes, I want people to like me. And yes, I want to find a community I belong to. But right now, I am focused on uncovering my true self one day at a time. I don’t identify with one label right now because I am only 22! People change and grow, and uncover more about themselves every day in their 20s. I don’t have to understand everything right now. And you, stranger reading this, do not need to know everything about my sex life.
One final thought. Pride month is for everyone. Questioning, fully out, or straight. We are all coming together to honor the deep rooted history created by the queer community, the long fight we had to get here, and the ongoing battle for visibility we still face today. During these intense times in America and globally, Pride Month is more important than ever. The queer community would not have been able to make its strides without support from all the other marginalized groups and allies that have been there for them. Remember this, and be an ally to someone who needs it. Massive global issues are unfolding, but that doesn’t mean our personal stories don’t matter too. Make sure you're still taking time for yourself and yours, and reach out to others in these times of need if possible.
You are loved <3
